#76: Are ALL Feelings Valid, Acceptable, and Neither Right Nor Wrong?

Several years ago, my wife and I were invited to attend a church-sponsored marriage retreat. It was described by friends as a time to relax, spend “alone time” with the Lord and one another, and to learn more about our faith, ourselves, and our marriage. Church leaders would lead the event. It sounded wonderful. We were both tired from life’s demands and viewed it as time to get away and think and pray about our faith and marriage.

The weekend was comprised of multiple talks (content varying between sermons and lectures) given by the church leaders with time for couples to privately discuss and pray.

The theme of the retreat, while not advertised, became apparent from the outset. Every talk included the phrase, “Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.” It was repeated over and over throughout the weekend. 

I was surprised the first time I heard it. Why? Because I thought, “That’s simply not true.” I immediately recalled many of my own wrong — sinful — feelings. And I remember looking around the room at other couples and not seeing any puzzled looks. They all seemed to accept the statement. I wondered why.

At lunch I asked those at our table what they thought of the mantra. No one objected. When I said that I knew that I had many feelings that were wrong and could not understand why church leaders would preach this, no one responded in agreement or disagreement. They just seemed comfortable with it.

As a Christian I knew this statement was false. It contradicted the doctrine of original sin as well as explicit teaching of Christ: “for from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts . . .” (Mark 7:21). I thought, how could Christian leaders make such an assertion? The claim was never justified, just assumed.

This week I saw a similar statement. A college classmate posted the following “Beautiful Words” meme on Facebook (FB).

Meme Posted on Facebook

He received many “thumbs up” from FB friends.

I was reminded of the marriage retreat. Both claims are similar and essentially promote the same idea — they underpin dangerous ideas in our feelings-based culture. One can claim any feeling as “valid” including those involving sex and gender. And such pronouncements logically give permission to those who want to justify any feeling they harbor and potentially any actions they wish to take.

This time I decided to challenge the claim. I began by asking my classmate a question. Perhaps, I thought, he might explain what I simply misunderstood. It was better I give my friend an opportunity to set me straight before challenging him.

Below is transcript of a portion of our short dialogue (I’ve changed his name for privacy purposes).

Doug: “John, not sure what ‘valid’ means here. Would you explain?”

John: “Doug, how about ‘acceptable?’”

Doug: “Feelings of hate, prejudice, envy, etc., for example, are ‘acceptable’”? I just don’t think all feelings are good, acceptable, valid …. I know that from personal experience.”

John: “Doug, your feelings are yours and valid … BUT as the meme suggests the behaviors/actions may not be. What you describe are actions based on feelings.”

Doug: "Let’s bring this close to home, John [John is African-American]. If I, as a white man, hate you as an African-American, but hide my feelings from you and don’t explicitly behave badly towards you, is that ok … valid and acceptable? Behaviorally, maybe it’s ok, but as for underlying feelings, not so much. Again, my point is that we should not “teach our kids that all feelings are valid”; in fact, feelings are oftentimes simply wrong.”

John: "Doug, as long as you don’t act or project behaviors from your feelings that is fine. I can agree that teaching kids or anyone against others is wrong."

Doug: [I have to admit that I was literally scratching my head at this point. He did not seem to understand what I was saying. I thought, should I just drop the discussion? I decided to try once more and end by leaving him with a Scriptural reference. Serious extended discussions are not conducive on FB). “John, the underlying causes for bad behavior are bad – evil – feelings. Suppressing wrong behavior and calling the underlying bad feelings “fine”, as you say, is surprising. ‘For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come [and often behavior] – sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly’ (Mark 7:21-23). It’s the heart that ultimately needs fixing. If we fix this, good behavior follows. Blessings, brother.” [The conversation essentially ended here]

John either did not understand what I was asking and asserting, or maybe he was too embarrassed to agree and refute the meme he posted. I don’t know.

Just prior to writing this note, I saw yet more discussions on this same subject, this time on Reddit (Reddit is a popular web forum for younger generations). Some argued that to claim, “all feelings are valid” is “a painfully stupid and a harmful phrase” (Reddit is not known for its politeness). Others countered that valid means “real”, not rational, as in “my psychologist says my anxiety is valid” or real.

Perhaps claims that feelings are “valid”, “acceptable,” “fine,” and “neither right nor wrong” are intended or implied to be used in therapeutic contexts. Counselors want to encourage those they treat to be forthcoming and honest with their feelings so that they might help. Even if true, both statements I cite here were not offered in counseling or therapeutic contexts. They were clearly stated as general, objective truth claims and, I believe, are interpreted as such by all or most listeners and readers.

And to state that all feelings are “valid” one must redefine the word to legitimize the claim. “Valid” does not mean “real” in any dictionaries I checked. According to one, valid means “having a sound basis in logic or fact; reasonable or cogent.” [1] Another states that valid means to be “based on truth or reason; able to be accepted.” [2] Yet another says valid means “well-grounded on principles or evidence; able to withstand criticism or objection.” [3]

Merriam-Webster also lists synonyms for valid that only confirm the definitions: “logical, reasonable, coherent, rational, good, sensible, analytical, [and] analytic.”

Why do I raise this subject in an apologetic note? It sounds more like a secular — maybe just a therapeutic — controversy, not a worldview or religious concern.

But that’s not the case. It is a Biblical worldview concern and relevant to us Christians for the following reasons.
•    The “feelings are neither nor wrong” claim occurred in a supposed Christian setting. Scripture teaches us this is simply not true. Those church leaders were clearly Scripturally incorrect.
•    The original authors of the “feelings are valid” meme may have learned that many people object to labeling feelings as neither right nor wrong and, thus, decided to change the wording to “valid.” This, as I already stated, has a not-so-subtle implication in today’s sexually and gender-charged culture. If we accept this meme at face value, those harboring feelings of sexual identity confusion can claim their feelings are “valid” in the traditional logical, reasonable, and rational sense of the word. Ironically, a logical implication of “all feelings are valid” is that hatred of homosexuals is then also a valid feeling! I don’t think that is what they want to be “valid”, nor should they! Unfortunately, though, it is common in today’s world to redefine words in order to justify one’s position.
•    The perception among most non-believers in our culture is that people are “basically good.” The notion that all feelings are valid, acceptable, and neither right nor wrong serves to condone this tragic view of the actual human condition.
•    As we believers know, the source of confused and sinful thoughts and behavior is the human heart. Our feelings reflect our fallen nature. Jesus told us so as did many prophets and apostles: Proverbs 4:23; Jeremiah 17:9; Ezekial 38:10; Matthew 9:4; Luke 16:15; Romans 8:7-8; James 4:1-3; Acts 8:22 and many more.

As my pastor preached this past Easter Sunday (not the same church as that which sponsored the retreat), “We’re not to look to our feelings but rather to what God’s Word has declared.”

I pray, 
     Almighty God, unto whom all hearts are open, all desires known, and from whom no secrets are hid, cleanse the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of your Holy Spirit, that we may perfectly love you and worthily magnify your holy name, through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen

In Christ, Doug

Academic & Military Outreach Director, AoM

     “Always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect . . .” 1 Peter 3:15

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[1] Oxford Languages
[2] Cambridge Dictionary
[3] Collins Dictionary